HURT.

Recently, emotions have been running through me real deep, and I've been wanting to vent it all out. But before I do, let me get this straight. This is me, and this is how I feel, I ask no sympathy whatsoever, and if you have nothing nice to say, just keep it to yourself, kay?

First off, I really need a break from my family. Well, not really like a 'stay-away' break, but more like, they need to let me actually LIVE my life. - I understand that this is the first time that they're going through the rough and tough teenage years, since I'm their first kid and all, but what have I done really, that won't let them trust me to know what's right from wrong? Okay, so call it paranoia, but I really don't need you to keep on worrying that I'm doing something wrong, because you should know me better than that. I really feel upset that you think I'm gonna go off and do something stupid. Is it cause of the people I hang with? Cause of what's going on with their lives? May I remind you that I'm my own individual, that no one controls what I do but myself? [Besides the fact that you are SUPER limiting me, I don't even get to do ANYTHING] I just wish that you can finally trust me and leave me be. I just want to be like, "Mom/Dad, I'm gonna go ______ with a bunch of friends and be back at ______, kay?" Don't get me wrong, I understand where you're coming from, that you just want me to be safe. But I want to live my life at the same time! You can't just keep me at home forever, you know? I want you to learn to let go of me, because I'm old enough to know what I'm doing. Sure, I still do depend on family to get by. But the thing is, sometimes, FAMILY itself is preventing me to get on with my life. I'm wasting away every minute, when I don't get to do something that I want for myself. And I really, REALLY hate the fact that you think I'm lying all the time. Because I'm not like that! Like seriously, I really just want to tell you EVERYTHING that goes on in my life. But I can't because our relationship never grew up to be that way. I'm not even gonna say what we've all been through these years. Another thing, is how I really feel so upset that we aren't close like how I want us to be. It hurts a lot how I don't even get to hug you, how awkward it is to say that I love you, and how much I need your affection. These are the years that I need you the most, but I get you the least. I know that I have to share, that's not the issue. I just never grew up being close to you. I want you to be my best friend, I want you to be the one I tell everything to, I want you to be more than just someone who's paying for the bills and feeding us and everything. It's really painful how back then, I felt so much closer to someone else than I did to you. That's not right. There shouldn't be ANYONE closer to me than you are. It hurts how I can't even tell you that anymore, and I know that things aren't gonna change. I know that one part, I wasn't what you really wanted, I wasn't one who you could really show off, and I know it's my fault. But why do you have to be so shallow? You BOTH don't know how much it kills me when you say, 'You should've looked more like this, or that, not how you are now". You know, I really am sacrificing everything else, just to make you proud. Doesn't matter what I give up, as long as I do good and keep it up. But when I bring home something, what do I get? "You better not mess around and lose that grade." No, compliments, no praises? I know it's nothing new, but does it matter? Should that keep you from showing that you're proud of me? Not a single day passes without me degrading myself, because of what you say to me. I know, it's for my own good in the end, but could you be any harsher? The looks, the comments, it all builds up inside. You don't know me, and you don't know how much hurt I've bottled in. If only you give me one chance to prove you wrong of everything you accuse me.

If only you give me one chance to go back in time and undo everything.