So this new year,

I need a change in my life, I miss my spiritual connections, forreals. Because back then no problems could break me, but now that I've broken a lot fo the connections, I feel so alone. I need exposure again, I need that secure feel. Out of all the places I've lived, I've only felt the lost of connection here. I miss youth ministries in Singapore and Miami, when youth group meant singing praise songs, touching stories, spiritual devotions. Forgive me for being religious, but this is how I feel right now. I feel like I've walked the wrong way for so long, away from God, away from everything I believed in. These are the moments I feel truly sad, leaving away such a stronghold of Christian life behind. I promised myself that I would find a new youth group to be in, and continue what I've started. But I can tell you right now that it failed. I don't blame anybody though. Because I see everything that happened this year as an obstacle I needed to go through, to help me become a better individual, become stronger, and believe more in myself. As the year comes closer to its end, I want to leave behind the bad, I want to start fresh.

That's easier said than done. And I don't want to be hypocritical, but I'm afraid I am, because I can't constantly be like this, all religious. But part of what I believe in, is that God will accept me for who I am. I've once been told that it means much more to be falling in and out of the Christian life, than to stay in it always, because it shows, that I'm still coming back, no matter what.

I've been disappointed in myself for so long, it's time to take that step forward and move on.