Thoughts.

I've been staying up real late at night nowadays. It's quiet, calm, cool. And because of this, I've been thinking a lot.

About the past, how things went from being carefree, the chill moments last summer, and the many revelations when school rolled in. The lies that caused tears. The denials that kept on repeating itself. The forgiveness that never faltered. Because I gave my all. Because forgiving meant not letting go. But letting go was never easy. Especially if I've held on for so long. Held on to false hopes, to all those lies that I chose to ignore. Held on even when I got so tired. Even when it took all the energy for me to. But I held on because I cared, because if I let go, then who would be there to care? Everyone thinks it's just a mere little thing, but it's much more than that. It was my life, it was what I woke up to. Help me let go of the past.

About the present, and how things are going right now. I don't feel the same anymore. But why can't I still let go? I try hard, I ignore texts, IM's, msgs. I guess I want to keep the friendship? I don't know. Right now, things are not at it's best. School is coming up real quick, and I'm not ready. Because I've been counting on the summer, for me to change into someone different, yet the same. I'm disappointed at myself, for not having willpover, for not having drive, determination, to the things that I should be concentrating on. Remember me not letting go? Where did that strength come from? And how come I can't channel it to where it has to be? I'm all plans, but no actions. I need stress to keep me off things, keep me occupied. Sometimes I want to be worn out, to be exhausted. Because I know I did something that day, something worth doing. Exhaustion keeps me from thinking about things. Yes, I remember now. Badminton season, I was trouble free. I concentrated on things that mattered the most, not on things that I have no control of. I need people pushing me to do my best. I can't do this alone. I can't wallow in low self esteem forever. Be there. Be my drive, my push, my determination.

About the Future, how things are gonna happen. I don't want to be surrounded with people hovering over best, because it reminds me how much better she is than me. I love her and all, but I wish she didn't shove it in my face. I wish she didn't talk about herself so much. Because what she is, is what I can't be. And now that she's coming to school with me, our friendship is gonna go through a huge test. Don't get me wrong, I'll make sure it all works out, but how much can I handle? How can I see her, around with the person I've been yearning for? It was easier when we lived our school lives separately. Now all the scandals, all the drama, is about to happen. But that's half the fun, ain't it? I need to pull myself together, and try not to get too affected. But because of this, I'm holding out on every person, keeping my guard up. "Cam, not every guy is like him". Easy for you to say. But after being beat so many times by the same situations, how are you going to prevent me from doubting every guy? Because half the time, it's not me, I'm just means to getting to other girls. And then when they get what they want, bye Camille. I don't wanna deal with that nonsense. Sophomore year. Let the drama begin.